Presence not Personality

It is important not to confuse Presence with Personality. 

It may seem like they enhance each other - that the stronger the personality the greater the sense of Presence. 

In actuality the inverse is true - the greater the sense of Presence, the more the individual ‘personality’/‘self’ fades and takes a back seat.

This is not all that earth-shattering a concept. Any actor or athlete knows about being in the zone, or in a state of Flow. It’s the same thing. In any performance-dependent activity high performance is marked by ease, effortlessness, connectedness and a sense of “I didn’t really do anything, it just happened.”

My life skills are in acting, martial arts, and teaching - all performance arts/skills. The high points of my life in each of these three areas, times when “I” have performed most brilliantly, have all been marked by a feeling of Flow in which I describe my ‘self’ as having ‘gotten out of the way.’  “I” took a powder and something else took over. Of course it was still ‘me’ but the ‘Me’ that performed so effortlessly and brilliantly was a ‘Me’ far larger, more universal and masterful than the ‘David’ personality.

Presence is not something you have. It’s what you Are. 

It shines forth most effortlessly when ‘you’ are ‘You.’  ‘You’ is an expanded state of Being. Whenever I am in a contracted state (fear, anxiety, worry, nervousness, etc), I act from and rely on my personality. When I am in an expanded state (relaxation, joy, playfulness, love, confidence, gratitude, etc) I flow with a natural Presence. Nothing seems impossible and activity is effortless. When the job, game, class or match is over, I actually have more energy than when I started.

When I am acting mostly from personality I often end up feeling worn down, worn out, drained, depleted and unsuccessful. I try too hard to sink the basket, hit the ball, reach my students or be brilliant in front of an audience; and it always feels ‘off.’

When I am in Presence I feel like I can’t miss a basket, and I don’t; I feel I am going to hit the ball, and I do; I feel my students are going to ‘get’ what I am teaching, and they do; I feel the audience is in the palm of my hand, and they are….. Because… in Presence there is no ‘Me.’ 

“I” becomes bigger than a mere ‘me.’ In Presence there are no separate parts, there is only a sense of unity; a wondrous expansive all-encompassing Whole; a merging of the people, the place, and the ‘Play’ (What is going on).  

Interestingly enough there is also a sense of ‘no-time.’ Time doesn’t stand still, it’s just not there - replaced by an immersion in the eternal constancy, of Now.

I do practice Presence skills; voice and body flexibility, posture, eye contact, breathing, gestures, pauses, listening, etc. They are very important because Presence is not an all or nothing state. Presence, or what you Are, can be completely hidden by the personality, can shine through a little, a lot, or radiate totally.

So I practice these skills to increase the Presence percentage of the mix and also because they stand me in good stead when Presence takes a powder and I find myself relying on personality to perform (It happens).  

I practice Presence skills because they give me the confidence and ability to more easily, and consistently, get out of the way; to face high stakes situations with relaxation; to step aside and trust in the wisdom and effortless power of that greater connected ‘Me,’ the Me that is Presence itself. 

 Leadership in Action

 

 

I had the experience of seeing Yo-Yo Ma perform with a string quartet made up of young musicians, most of whom have just graduated from music school. He literally plays ‘second fiddle’ in a piece for a string quartet with two cellos. Yo-Yo plays the second cello part allowing the young musician to take the lead cello.

This performance takes place at the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum, not in the regular auditorium, but in the much more intimate space of the Rembrandt room (Before the thefts). It’s a fund raiser for Young Audiences of Mass, where I am the artistic director. It’s the end of a gala evening and this private performance is only for the YA staff and large donors.

The piece is maybe 10 minutes long. There are only about 30 people gathered around the musicians, standing with our wine glasses in hand - and it is sublime, magical, transcendent. Looking around the audience I see many folk with tears in their eyes. I am wiping them out of my own.

After the performance I ask one of the musicians what it was like playing with such a master of their art. She said, “I may as well hang up my violin right now for I have never played so beautifully in my life and I doubt I will ever reach this height again.”

Yo-Yo Ma’s Presence lifted everyone else in the group to his level of mastery. Not only his being Present in the room; his ability to Reach Out to, and connect with, his ‘team;’ his Expressiveness in playing; and the grounded confidence of Self-Knowing; his totality as a human being and master of his art. AND he did it not by shining the light on himself as ‘The Leader,’ but by putting himself in the background.

This experience was a clear demonstration of several of my favorite quotes on leadership:
HBS: Leadership is how you make other people feel by your presence (and not just ‘feel’ but how you change the quality of their performance)
Lao Tzu: A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say, “We did it ourselves.”
Simon Sinek’s book: “Leaders Eat Last”

Being Present and problem solving

 Being Present and problem solving

One of my favorite themes in coaching and corporate trainings is the link between being Present (with its’ attendant aspects of the pause and the breath) and problem solving. Problems can only ever be solved in the present moment. And, they are always solved in the present moment. That may sound like the same thing but there is a significant difference. The first statement assumes the usual attitude that there is the present moment and then there is everything else (Past and future). It assumes “Time.” The second statement makes the point that it is always the present moment, that there is nothing else, and so this is the time to address the issue. (Love that line, “There’s no time like the present!” - literally)

I have two favorite stories to emphasize the connection between being present and problem solving. The first is short, a Lawrence Olivier story, and the second about the ancient tale of Beowulf, much more complex and detailed (Later.)

Lawrence Olivier, (Sir Larry) was arguably the world’s greatest Shakespearean actor of the 20th century. Two things about sir Larry are relevant to this story; 1) He hated to memorize lines. If he didn’t need to memorize a line, such as reading a letter on stage, he wouldn’t. He would have the letter written out. Most actors would have the lines committed to memory. 2) He was a practical joker and loved to see if he could get actors to break character in the middle of a play. Understandably sharing the stage with Olivier kept other actors on their toes.

What happens in this one particular performance is that the other actors decide turn about is fair play and they decide to play a practical joke on Sir Larry. They convince the actor who delivers the letter to Larry to switch it out for a blank piece of paper. So, it’s the middle of a battle scene. Olivier, the commander, is alone on stage with smoke pouring in from stage left and right, sound effects of cannon firing, swords clashing, men shouting and dying. A messenger rushes on stage towards Olivier. “Letter from the front my lord!”
Olivier snatches the letter, opens it and……… it’s blank.   …….. Looooong pause (and probably, hopefully, some deep breaths……..

Olivier: “My eyes are too weak with the smoke of battle…… you read it!  (Hands letter to messenger)

Now, Olivier could have spent his time (as many of us would in such a pressurized situation) not being present. “This is not what’s supposed to be happening! This letter is not supposed to be blank, it’s not the one I am supposed to have. Why Isn’t my letter here? What happened? Blah blah blah, past, past, past.” Instead, Olivier becomes very present with what IS (rather than on what is NOT) actually going on: blank letter, where do I go from here?. His willingness to ‘rest’ in the reality of the present with its powerful energy of ‘Presence,’ ‘IS-ness,’ ‘potentiality’ and ‘possibility’ leads to the solution.

I often wonder what the messenger did in that situation. The story doesn’t say. I would hope that if I were them I would also take a breath, pause, sink into the present and….

Messenger: “Sorry my lord, I never learned how to read.”

Gathering Check-ins

​What do I want to talk about (LinkedIn asks when I initiate a post)? Check-ins at group meetings! I have a pet peeve about checkins - They go on too long. I am a great fan of check-ins, love them for how they connect people on a personal and emotional level - and they always seem to go off the rails in terms of setting time limits per-person. Especially checkins as part of a colleague gathering where people go deeply personal. The moderator never fails to set a time limit of 1-2 minutes (because, after all, there is more to the agenda), and participants never fail to double or treble that amount of time.

I have been reading Priya Parker’s book, “The Art of Gathering” and her advice has been at the top of my mind during recent meetings. One of her bits of advice is to not be a “Chill Host” (or moderator) (even at the risk of alienating some participants). Keep control of your gathering, keep it focused on its purpose, or someone else (or someones) will hijack it. To Priya, the gathering itself, and its success, is more important than any one person in it.

People do need time to connect with their peers and when someone is in the middle of a deeply personal sharing, it feels unkind (and uncomfortable as moderator) to cut them off. Yes and…. Priya’s main, and compelling, point is that it is more unkind (and disrespectful) to everyone else, to the other participants who are awaiting their turn. If there is a limited amount of time set for the exercise some people may not get to share, or their time will be curtailed by the people who hogged the ‘mic.’

This happened in a recent Zoom gathering of colleagues. The gathering’s purpose was to allow us to connect with colleagues we haven’t seen in a while. It was scheduled for an hour and the check in was the entire gathering. People took twice as much (and more) time as was allowed and our moderator (understandably) did not want to cut anyone off.  To me it became an example of individuals being more important than the group and therefore the gathering not serving its people.

The gathering did not feel cohesive, people’s attention wandered, several people had to leave when the hour was up, and ultimately the gathering, for that reason, did not feel successful. 

Face it, not everything that everyone shares is interesting or compelling to everyone; so to go on and on sucks the life out of the gathering. Everybody can deal with 1-2 minutes of sharing. People will be forced not to ramble, to choose the most important (to them) points to make, and to practice that most wonderful leadership quality - succinctness.

It is not my intention to criticize my colleagues because I have run my share of runaway gatherings.  It’s just that after reading Priya’s book, I have, going forward, a passionate and clear interest in, as well as respect, excitement and the desire for, conducting successful gatherings.

#gatherings #Priyaparker #meetings #leadership #connections 

Loving What You Do

 Loving What You Do

Not everyone has the option to "Do what they love." Somebody has to clean the toilets, sweep the streets, dig the ditches, serve the fries. We can't all be artists, CEOs, Kings, queens, pro athletes, and celebrities. 

Whatever we do, we have the choice of being present to the job or not, to be or not to be while we work. As odd as it might seem, we also have the choice to do the job or not. If you are there, you have chosen of your own free will to be there. You may think you have no choice. "It was the only opening available." "I'm not qualified for the job I really want." "I've got a family to feed, a house to pay for, car payments to make...." "My disabilities keep me from getting a better job." "I should have a better job." "The deck is stacked against me." Maybe these things are so, and maybe, sometimes, they are just the story we tell ourselves.

Whatever the story, it amounts to giving our power and choice away, as if someone else or our life situation is forcing us into a dead end job. This is technically not true. 

You do have a choice. You could abandon your family, you could decide to move to a smaller apartment, live on the streets, run away and join the circus, go to prison, or any number of other exit strategies. I am not advocating any of these, but the fact that you don't take them and decide to stay with your job IS A CHOICE. And it is YOUR CHOICE. You made it. This is amazing! This is a powerful thing you have done and you should celebrate it. Even if you think it is because you are choosing the lesser of potential evils, YOU are still doing it. It is an admirable thing to take responsibility for, because once you do, you are free. You are free to put your whole self into the job because you are not spending your time complaining or blaming someone else. You are free to be the best lavatory cleaner, door opener, dishwasher, or whatever, there is.  

Why is this important? Because waking up is the only game worth playing. Waking up to your true nature, to the luxurious richness and wealth that is the real "You."  AND,  rich folk tend NOT to be the ones who wake up.

I'll bet there are more awakened dishwashers than there are CEOs or celebrities. This doesn't NEED to be true, it is not a cosmic law, but it does remind one of the bible quote about camels, rich men, and needles. It seems that people who don't make a lot of money, who don't have jobs with 'prestige' are the closest to realizing that it doesn't really matter so much WHAT you do as HOW you do it. This is a cosmic truth, not an attempt to pacify people on the low end of the economic spectrum. 

Waking up is available at every moment to everyone. It can only happen "Now” and Now is the only thing you need to wake up. These is no other tool, nothing money can buy or higher education can provide that will give anyone a leg up on awakening. Nobody is richer in how much Now they ‘have’ than anybody else. Now is all there is. Now is always available; it is always and forever Now. 

Realizing "Now" is waking up. 

Everyone has unlimited access to it because it is always here, and so anyone can wake up as easily as anyone else. The problem is that the 'trappings' of power, money, prestige, and 'stuff' provide almost endless distractions to the realization of Now. That is the only reason why it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the ‘kingdom of Heaven’ (The "Now.).

So, as long as your job is not causing you physical pain, harming your health, or harming others, it is a vehicle for your awakening. It can actually bring you great joy and personal satisfaction if you were to decide to make it fun. Make it a game. Make it a challenge to see how great you can be at it. Can you innovate? Can you find more creative ways of doing your job? Can you connect with people in an authentic way? Can you turn your job into a meditation and your workplace into an ashram? It is your choice, your freedom, your power. 

You have decided to keep the job, so why not decide to REALLY keep it? You are only disempowering yourself by staying with a job that you complain about. Don't like it? Quit! Can't quit? That's not the truth, certainly you can quit. You are afraid to quit because what happens next might be worse than staying in your job - the devil you know, etc. That may or may not be true, and it is an absolutely valid reason for not leaving a job you don’t like, buuuut why not claim your power and decide that you are choosing to stay rather than some outside force is preventing you from leaving? Why not stay-out-of-choice instead of not-leave-out-of-fear?   Why not decide to stay and determine to be the best you can be at it? It is your decision.

A story to illustrate this.

I am part of a young energetic theatre company in the mid 1970s, converting an old recording studio into the first new theatre in Boston in over 25 years. We twelve 20-somethings have just purchased the building, the old Ace Recording Studio, for $125,000 and are doing all the demolition work ourselves. We work 14 hour days - shoveling decades of dirt, plaster, old tapes and records, tearing down walls, tearing out plumbing. The job is epic and daunting.

One day I undertake the relatively simple task of cleaning up an old slop sink in the basement. A slop sink is a deep, industrial sink used to clean things like mops, brushes, brooms, etc. This one is about 20 inches square and 18” deep. 

To this day I have not encountered as onerous looking a task. The sink is filthy, caked with years and layers of dried crud, scum, grease, and the crusty remainder of hundreds of paint brush cleanings, -  brushes got cleaned but not the sink. There is absolutely no indication of the color of the inside of the sink. Every square inch is completely covered by multiple layers of grime.

It will take me hours. I pull on my rubber gloves. Armed with steel wool, chisels, scrapers, Ajax, SOS pads and sponges, I attack. I work in broad strokes, wide areas, trying to get the job done as quickly as possible. Not working. The stuff won't come off. I start narrowing my scope and focus to a smaller and smaller area, trying to see some results. 

Eventually, and this becomes the key, I find I have to work on just one little blob at a time, less than the size of a dime. It weakens, loosens, and fades. I work on the layer under that, then the layer under that one. Eventually I see shiny white porcelain for the first time. From that single beachhead I work outwards, one tiny section at a time. 

Gradually my entire world becomes this sink, my focus narrows down so completely to the task that time ceases to exist. I have no thought of the finish, no concern for when I will get it done. Hours (apparently) pass by. I don't even beak for lunch. 

I am actually enjoying myself! 

I am enjoying giving myself up to this task which is no longer a task. I feel like the Michelangelo of slop sinks. The beautiful gleaming porcelain sink is there inside the marble-block grime of decades. I am bringing it slowly into re-existence. I am in no hurry. 

I am in meditation and I know how to do 'it'. Here is the secret to meditation: any movement towards 'hurry', towards 'finishing,' brings awareness of time and chore. AND….. I am in such a state of mastery that I know how to get it back when I drop out of the meditative space. Before time and chore can impinge on my world I simply refocus my attention on the Now Task, the Activity, the “What Is”, ....... on Being! 

It takes the entire day to finish the job. When it is done I just sit there with the same combination of elation and peace of mind that I have when I have just gotten high or received a standing ovation. The sink shines like a pearl set amongst the dirt grime and effluvia of the long neglected basement. Over 40 years later it still remains one of the high moments of my life. Imagine that! Cleaning a slop sink ranking up there with performance triumphs, awards, birth of children, falling in love, career success and creating award winning productions.

Why do I tell you this story? Find a way to enter into what you are doing - no matter what it is. If you are going to do it - then DO IT! If you have to do it - CHOOSE to DO IT!

A Doorman’s Presence

 

 

 

A Doorman’s Presence

 

I teach Presence (www.chiwiz.com); specifically Leadership Presence. I have been doing this for more than 20 years for The Ariel Group (www.arielgroup.com). In every class we define Presence as, “The Ability to Connect Authentically with the Hearts and Minds of Others.” We bend our focus on Presence towards its impact on leadership. More on that in a bit.

A point I always make is that you don’t have to be a leader to have Presence. Everyone has Presence. You ARE Presence, by virtue of the fact that you exist. Presence is your “You-ness,” your authentic ‘Self.’  How much that Presence blossoms, shines, radiates, is noticed, depends on many things, all learnable skills: confidence, relaxation, being present, how you stand, gesture and move, your eye contact, the quality of your voice, even your breathing.

One of the best examples of someone with great Presence and nothing to do with leadership, is a doorman I encountered years ago. I was about to teach a class on Presence to a group of consultants at Oliver Wyman. I like to arrive very early to my teaching site in order to set up the room. I use old school flip charts rather than Powerpoint and it takes about an hour to set things up.

I arrive on the first morning at the OW headquarters at 1166 Avenue of the Americas in NYC, before 7am. I am greeted by a doorman who is already on the job and opens the door for me. I am not used to doormen at the front entrance to a skyscraper office building, and I am not at all certain that this man is even an actual employee of the building. However, he greets me with such a smiling hello and warm regard, such a genuine concern for me as a person, such a joy for being of service to me (by the simple act of holding the door open), that I am stunned into immobility. 

This is not your random door opener. Even professional door openers at ritzy hotels have nothing on this guy. He opens the door for me as if it were the best job in the world and that I have somehow made his day by arriving at his door!  For this brief moment in time, I am the only person in the world to him and I feel it.

He is so HERE and so tickled at being here, that my mind freezes. All the thoughts of getting through security, wondering if my room will be open for me, how long I have to wait before I can get access, all the random thoughts that go through my head at any given moment, just kind of dissolve in the light of his Presence that I stop in my tracks. 

I am ‘Real’ for this person, he sees me, he is available, and, as the Vietnamese zen Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh says, he is giving me “the gift of his attention.” I stop too and become available to him. I look him in the eye, smile and thank him. Two human Beings, connecting authentically with hearts and minds in the only place that actually exists - the present. Just a brief, but a Real, moment, a mutual acknowledgement of each other’s Presence, Being-ness, humanity.

That encounter is so momentous to me that I ignore the clock and sit in the lobby of the building to watch him greet others as they come through the door. To this man they are all the only person in the world for him as he greets them. Some see it and some do not. Some are obviously ‘repeat’ customers, coming to work every morning. Some of these make what is obviously a delightful daily connection with him. Others just nod, already into their agendas for the day. I can always tell the newcomers who, like me, get stunned into Presence by the doorman’s gentle, genuine, enthusiastic greeting. It’s fun to watch startled people waking up to the moment and the opportunity to connect.

Then comes the topper! I see two Buddhist monks in traditional Tibetan robes walking down the street. It is obvious that their paths are going to cross with the doorman. I am almost giddy with expectation as to how this encounter will shake out. I mean, the monks, that’s their JOB right, being present?

I am already going to have a late start getting my room ready but this is too delicious to pass up. The monks are deeply engaged in conversation with each other as they approach the doorman. He is outside the front doors waiting for people to come in. He sees the monks and with a huge smile he steps towards them, like a beaming Buddha descending from the sky, says a loud cheerful “Good Morning” and bows.

The monks are startled from their conversations and look up with the same slightly stunned shock I recognize from my own encounter. Monks are human. They had been so engrossed in their conversations that they too were not present. There is this little frozen moment all the way around, two startled faces looking at a beaming one. Then the monks also break into huge smiles and laughter, performing multiple bows and greetings to the doorman - tacit and humble recognition at being caught out (Not that that was at all the doorman’s purpose) with genuine pleasure at being reminded of Reality from an unexpected source. Three smiling, beaming, laughing beings bowing over and over to each other in simple mutual acknowledgement of each other’s Being-ness.

That doorman is the true zen master in that moment, and the monks acknowledge it with humility and playfulness. That is pure Presence with no thought towards influencing or leading. And yet it is the very same Presence great leaders project when making themselves available, when giving the gift of their attention, to either one person they greet in an elevator or to five hundred people in a crowded auditorium.

T'ai Chi as self defense

T'ai Chi As Self Defense

Not what we normally think of as self defense, avoiding physical blows, subduing an opponent, or escaping physical harm in a combat situation.

How often do we actually encounter the necessity for that kind of self defense? And, how often we encounter the following situations where a different understanding of 'self-defense' may come into play?:

Getting out of the bathtub; not slipping on ice; walking on ice; Getting up too fast from bed; a driver who cuts in front of you; being late for an appointment while stuck in traffic; standing in front of a large audience about to make a presentation; having the unexpected happen while making a presentation; being asked a difficult question at a job interview; having your flight cancelled; A job cancelled by your client at the last moment; or any of what I call, "Freeze" moments, when the tendency is to contract, to go into 'Fight or Flight' mode (Which is actually, "Freeze, Flight, Fight" since that is the order in which an animal responds to a threat, which is why I call it 'Freeze' mode).

A practice in T'ai Chi can help with any 'Freeze' situation. The way to break a freeze is to move - literally, just move, as simple as that. The simplest form of movement is breath. We hold our breath when threatened, whether it's a saber toothed tiger or an irate boss. When you hold your breath it's almost impossible to be creative in your actions, or indeed, to act at all. The key is to move. Breath is movement, actually moving the body, a stretch or gesture or step is also movement. That will break the freeze and allow your brain to function once again.

The solution to a freeze moment is simple - move. What is not simple is the ability to recognize that you are in a freeze, that you are holding your breath, that you are contracted. That is where T'ai Chi and other meditative practices come in handy. T'ai Chi is my 50 year preference because it is all about movement, it is often referred to as 'Meditation in Motion.' The practice of T'ai Chi trains you in balance (Mental and emotional as well as Physical balance). This is well known. What is generally not reflected upon is that this practice also trains you in the ability to recognize being out of balance, which is just as valuable a skill. It doesn't train you in how to solve the situation that has caused the imbalance, it doesn't provide you with the creative solution; but by moving, you put yourself, your physical, mental and emotional states, into a position where you are much more likely to come up with a solution. 

My T'ai Chi teacher, T.T. Liang used to call our unbalanced positions in class, "Ready to be beaten." How does T'ai Chi re-move you from the "Ready to be Beaten" state into an equilibium that allows for solutions? Where does it 'move' you to?

It 'moves' you to the Present, the Now, the only place from which action is possible and the only place in which solutions can appear. In "The Heart Aroused," the poet David Whyte does a brilliant analysis of Beowulf that makes this precise point. Beowulf defeats Grendel's mother only by being present enough to see the sword on the wall (there all along but unnoticed until Beowulf relaxed), and then applying it to the monster's neck! A worthwhile read.

So, T'ai Chi is about learning balance, being centered and grounded, being calm and moving from the center. These are what you train in as you practice. The wonderful side benefit is the ability to feel when those conditions are not present, and how to restore them by moving and breathing.

Happy practicing!